Some things have happened, one particular event being very painful for me. I made a brief, somewhat emotional journal about it but deleted it later.
Now, I guessed if I made a journal about it I'd be labeled an emo, attention whore. And if I didn't, I'd be condemned for moving on far too fast.
But what I want, what I NEED to say is going to be said now, even though this person probably won't ever read this.
I know I made mistakes in the long run with this whole matter. I said a few things the wrong way. But. I know what I did do is not worthy of being cut out of your life. You cannot justify this with accusations of trying to keep you from being yourself. That's a lie. You cannot say this is because I never want you to show any passion for anything besides roleplaying, or that I was using you and everyone else for roleplay. Those are also lies, and ones you should very well know are false. If anything, I often gave up roleplaying just so I wouldn't inconvenience people. And I've stuck with you through dry spots of roleplay. On the topic of sticking with you. I have through so, so many things. So many times I have been there for you, drew you things to cheer you up, did my best, wanted to defend you.
You say I made you second guess yourself. Well, did it ever occur to you that perhaps a bit of second guessing might have been needed? Just... even a passing glance backward? No, I guess it didn't. You said I made you miserable. I didn't even do that much to make you feel miserable besides not dumping someone else and because I criticized some of the things you said.
Yes, I played devil's advocate, but note that I've apologized for that many times over. But, I find it bizarre how you wipe away years of being a friend and just... forget everything. You said you didn't trust me, but almost all of your reasoning for it was that I was still friends with that person. It was paranoia, plain and simple. Yes, people back up what you are doing to me, but at the same time, I don't believe they are impartial judges. I have a feeling that some of the story you told them was incomplete or twisted slightly.
And I think that a much deeper reason for all of this is that I didn't agree with the person you ended up with.
Ultimately, again I know I made some mistakes. But they did not warrant this, this cutting me out of your life. Especially in the way that you did it. Your last words to me wounded me deeply and left me feeling worse than almost anything I have before.
And now... this morning I looked through my gallery, through the comments, through my journals. I saw your name on them and I suddenly felt nauseated. Last night I dreamed this was all better. When I woke up, I stared at the ceiling for a long time and cried. It hurt so much.
This may seem like whining to say, to confess. I don't care. I have a right to pour out my heart about what this has done to me, even if everyone else tells you it's just a last attempt to guilt trip you. Because it's not. I felt really, really close to you and you're cutting me out for reasons that have been blown out of proportion by you and your friends.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to run to all of your 'enemies' and those that disagree with you. I disagree with most of them too. There is only one who you truly dislike that I have stuck with. I'm not going to go cry to them, talk about how mean you are, have a little hate party. That's silly. I barely knew any of them to begin with.
So what do I do now? Well, I guess since you have so easily sliced me out of your life, I must supress most of the memories of you and the imprint because it hurts far too much to look at them. I'm not going to delete them. They still remain and will.
But I'm getting a new dA account and a new AIM.
For those of you who may be interested in seeing my new account, the dA one is [link]
And my new AIM is Wymsigal.